A bird + a painter + four fish + the six of us = 1 family

I can't believe that I've never formally introduced the other members of our family (other than the six of us).
About two years ago we brought home our quaker parakeet for the first time. Shakeel (12), who was a huge fan of the Percy Jackson book series at the time, named him Titan.

Titan has assimilated into the family beautifully. He has firmly claimed his place as the ruler of the backyard. Unfortunately for me, despite all my attempts at gaining his affection, the darn bird seems to hate me. He tries to bite me at every opportunity. Since his cage is open all day, he is free to roam about the yard as he pleases - which I'd forgotten one day as I was hanging up the washing. All I remember about that moment is an excruciating pain on my foot - the little monster had left his cage and walked all the way across the yard to pierce my delicate flesh with his razor-sharp beak. Tears of pain sprang to my eyes immediately, as I shrieked - which just made him lunge toward me for a second bite.

I have no idea how to gain his affection. When the kids were at school and Mo at work, I was often the one to take his cage out into the sunshine, open it (daringly) to give him his freedom, fill his water and food bowls, and even fill one of the doll's toy baths for him in which to splash, should he so wish - and all the while, he'd be doing his utmost to bite me. 

As much as he hates me, he loves Mo. He becomes so excited when he hears Mo's voice after work. Mo is the only one to whom he will go without biting. He even kisses Mo on the mouth! He follows Mo's instructions to dance and will imitate certain words which Mo taught him.

Last year John was hired to give our home a long-overdue paint. We had never met him, but he had come highly recommended. While working here, Mo learned that he was homeless, so he allowed him to move into our separate entrance. John has been living here ever since. In exchange, he helps around the house doing some gardening and has started to become involved in Mo's sideline business - panelbeating and spraypainting motorcycles and vespas.

John is extremely creative and a real jack-of-all trades (which he and Mo have in common). He also shares Mo's creativity and skill, and coupled with Mo's innovativeness, I believe the two of them make a formidable design team.

While walking through Stodels or the nursery at Builders Warehouse, Mo would often say how sure he was that he could build one of those beautiful rock ponds from scratch. So Mo formulated the design and carefully decided on the appropriate materials to use for this exercise. Using John's skill in the building industry and Mo's skill at colour-matching (due to his spray-painting sideline), they managed to build two very realistic looking garden features.

This rock-like flower box (seen in the background)

And this fake rock feature with pond

 

In the pretty rock pond, there are now four little goldfish, named Gotenks (named by Tharaa after Dragonball Z character), Aquamarine (named by Nuha after the mermaid in the movie of that name), Kakarot (another DBZ character named by Shakeel) and Barney (need I say more).

 

In addition, the new domestic worker just started about a week ago. While she is a very welcome addition to the household, I wouldn't go as far as referring to her as part of the family just yet. But I'm sure that this sunny cheerful woman too will acclimatise in no time and become part of our crazy lovely family.

Saving myself from the edge of despair - my new life philosophy is tested

A few days ago I wrote a post on how I combat sadness, anxiety and mild depression by focusing on all my blessings and everything for which I can be grateful.

Who would have thought I'd be putting my new life philosophy to the test within the following few days of writing that?

Over the weekend I had a really negative experience involving another person. Since I am a people-pleaser who cares way to much about what other people think of me, this encounter left me devastated. Shock became sadness, which then started to turn into depression - when, fortunately, the iota of rationality I had functioning within me at the time, acted as my lifeline.

I thought about the abovementioned post and how, theoretically, I should be placing this negative encounter in perspective by just looking around me and appreciating my blessings. Filled with overpoweringly negative emotions, I found this exercise to be quite challenging.

On a congnitive level I knew that I had a plethora of blessings surrounding me at that very moment. But the depth of my sadness was such that I really battled to appreciate them on an emotional level.

Fortunately I persisted - looking around at my kids, hubby, our home. Why was I letting someone who was completely insignificant in my life blind me to what I have?

My kids have been giving me so much of which to be proud - it is formal assessment time once again and I have had very few problems with getting them to study. The feedback which I received on the papers they have written, has been really positive. Mo has had to work less, since his project has been completed, so is around more to help with the kids. We joined the local gym, which I have wanted to do for ages. More importantly, everyone is healthy and getting along relatively well. We have a roof over our heads - this may seem like I am grasping at straws to find things for which to be grateful, but it is always present in my mind, since we live very near to a tiny squatter camp, which we drive past almost every day.

On Sunday night after our usual prayer meeting (which helped somewhat), we drove past this squatter camp. There were people (including kids) sitting around a fire - which is their only source of heat at night. I'd witnessed this sight so many times before, but in the state in which I found myself that night, this sight brought tears to my eyes. I was fortunate. I was really really fortunate. There, but for the grace of God, go I.

I got home and we sat down to the last of our daily prayers, during which - I am ashamed to say - my mind often wanders. But after witnessing those people trying to glean every bit of warmth from that little fire, my heightened emotions caused me to be more present and focused in my prayer than I had been in a while. All my efforts (throughout the day) at repeating and trying to truly appreciate my blessings were rewarded. My skin tingled and I had to fight back tears - so overcome I was with gratitude at what I had right before me - surrounding me.

The person, who had caused me such sadness, faded into insignificance. Everything that mattered in my life, was right there.

Although I awoke on Monday morning with a pit in my stomach, just from the memory of the interaction with that person, that feeling didn't remain. I felt lighter and less burdened by sadness. The overwhelming appreciation of everything, with which God has blessed me, was strong enough to wash away all remnants of the awful feelings, which had pervaded my soul.

Admittedly, within the last day, there have been moments when I'd experience momentary lapses into sadness, but these were not strong enough to make me lose perspective.

For now, I am just enjoying my much-too-fragile state of peace and contentment.

Choosing to live a life of gratitude

It was one day, while suffering from a acute gastroenteritis, that I lay on my bed moaning and groaning. I had been experiencing the pain and discomfort for almost two days and had had enough. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to feel normal again.

I vowed that I would never take feeling healthy and normal for granted again. I thought about how one only becomes aware of the functioning of one’s body when something goes wrong – or when in pain. I had never woken up before and just taken the time to appreciate the fact that I was experiencing no pain. I hadn’t ever awoken thinking, ‘’Hmm, today I’m so grateful that my leg isn’t paining’’ or ‘’wow, my stomach is feeling really normal today’’.

After feeling so awful that day, I undertook never to take feeling normal for granted again.

It is however so easy to take our blessings for granted. There are times when life becomes so overwhelming, that I tend to focus only on my challenges and obstacles. I am, by nature, a glass-half-empty type of person, so it is very easy for me to get sucked into a state of sadness and depression. I’ve come to realise that this happens when I lose sight of the little things with which I have been blessed.

Admittedly, at times life seems to throw one curve ball after another. I sometimes find myself so overwhelmed by duties, challenges and obstacles. Unfortunately, I even absorb other people’s problems and stress about these as if they are my own. I am also easily affected by other people’s negativity.

So for me, drawing myself out of this state of despair only becomes possible when I take the time to appreciate the good things in my life. Granted, there are days that it feels as if I am really grasping at straws to find the good things in my life. On days like these (when it seems as if blessings are few), my ‘ list of things for which to be grateful’ will include things like ‘today, there was no tsunami/hurricane/other natural disaster’.

I’ve had days where the kids are difficult – when they are constantly bickering, arguing and screaming at one another. Their voices start to grate on my nerves. And that is when I take the time to contemplate or imagine the loss of one of those voices from that rowdy chorus – if one of them should not be there for any reason – that possibility is just too awful to contemplate for too long. But it is enough to adjust my mindset. It forces me to move from regarding their bickering voices as the most awful annoyance - to regarding each and every voice with the utmost gratitude.

We so easily tell our complaining kids to be grateful for their food since there are so many starving children in the world. But do we ever really sit down and truly attempt to appreciate what it is to walk in the shoes of those with overwhelming challenges?

One evening during Ramadaan last year, Shakeel (12) and I had a little discussion just before it was time to break our fast. We thought about how hungry we were after not having eaten for about 14 hours. We tried to imagine having to go another 14 hours without anything to eat - the way so many children around the world are forced to do. It was only when taking the time to truly appreciate the extent of those children’s hunger and suffering that we could truly appreciate every morsel of food we consumed that night.

How easy it is to overlook everything with which we have been blessed! On a difficult day I sit in my tiny garden and take time out to appreciate each of my senses.
* That I can watch my toddler squish her chubby toes into the wet grass*
*That amidst the chirping of the birds I am able to hear her squeals of glee*
*That I can enjoy the fragrance of the flowers and herbs*
*The ability to enjoy the delicious warmth of the sun on my skin*

‘’After hardship comes relief’’ I was taught. It is through having to face the hardship and challenges that my appreciation of the ‘times of relief’ are enhanced. Like experiencing the ease from the pain and discomfort of a long pregnancy after the baby is born – when I was pregnant with 2 year old Aisha, I always joked that I would make a point of noting and appreciating the moment my nausea subsided and the awful metallic taste in my mouth disappeared (which happened immediately after baby's birth). And I did – what a wonderful feeling to be able to appreciate that relief! It even distracted me from the after-birth pangs and sore nipples.

I think about the times my hubby decides to abide by Eskom’s request for everyone to switch off their geysers – and how, when he forgets to switch it back on, I have ended up taking torturous cold showers (swearing at him under my breath all the while). How wonderful is it then to experience the next warm shower. It is only then that I really take the time to appreciate little conveniences like the fact that we have warm water, while so many people do not even have access to running water.

Sometimes when I look at pictures of myself taken twenty years ago, I am struck by how I’ve changed. I now am developing age spots and laugh lines, which – I am ashamed to say - scares me. But after much contemplation, I have come to view each mark, scar and line as my badges of honour- a testament to a life well-lived. Dr Phil, in his typical to-the-point and no-nonsense Dr Phil style, pointed out to a woman who was afraid of the ageing process that although the process of ageing is scary, it is better than the alternative (i.e. not having the privilege of growing older). So true! As a result I now wear my stretch marks and laugh lines with pride – and gratitude.

As South Africans we always tend to focus on the negatives about living in our country. Yes, we are still faced with major challenges as a country, but how can we possibly ignore how far we’ve come since the dark days of apartheid? How can we ignore the progress we’ve made? In addition, we also have been endowed with undeniable natural blessings, which are so easy to take for granted. It is only when we read about natural disasters in other parts of the world that we take the time to appreciate that South Africa does not really experience any major natural disasters. We enjoy sweltering summers (which are perfect during which to laze about on our beautiful beaches) and temperate winters.

[Now I’m not suggesting that we should, in our gratitude, turn a blind eye to the faults of our Government. Yes, there is work to be done and changes need to be effected. But we cannot deny how fortunate we are that our strong democracy, which promotes civil society participation in the legislative process, allows for us to participate in initiating, promoting and fostering the necessary changes].

In fact I'm not suggesting that we become complacent about any situation in which we may be unhappy. But when I find myself in a situation which I am unable to change or improve at that moment, I pause - and take the time to count my blessings - to prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed by despair, sadness or hopelessness.

And I remember that there is always someone worse off than what I am.

Fast forward ten years

As mentioned in a previous post, my kids enjoy pretending to be older than they are, usually by emulating the grown-ups they admire. In 2 year old Aisha's case, the people she admires are her older siblings. So a few weeks ago she enjoyed playing dress-up, emulating her favourite people in the world.

Here she is sporting a school dress belonging to older sister Tharaa (10), twelve year old Shakeel's monitor badges and Nuha (7)'s school bag.

I just want her to remain my little baby!!!

Brother and sister time

It was so lovely to receive a surprise visit from my brother and his three kiddies yesterday morning. The house was filled with excited shrieks, little feet racing up and down the passage and hysterical boisterous laughter. Pure unadulterated joy.

Shakeel (12) had been invited to a birthday celebration of one of his best friends, Sipho. Mo took him at the local mall to meet up with a few friends. They would all be going to the movies together. Our initial response to him being allowed to go had been ''no'', since we do not allow our kids to walk around unaccompanied by an adult. But since it was then decided that Sipho's dad would be accompanying the kids, we gave in.

At home, the girls and their cousins played the Playstation 3 Motion (like a Wii). It was terrifying to watch, as the youngest two kept running close to the person playing - who was usually swinging the motion controller around like a crazy person - in their quest to slay their opponents in the gladiator championships. Both 2 year old Aisha and my 1 year old nephew narrowly escaped being smacked against the head with the motion controller numerous times. Was I relieved when they stopped playing that game!

My brother and I sat chatting about life, family, religion, etc. while sipping tea. It was lovely - I enjoyed having such a long time to talk to him. It was enlightening, uplifting and soothing. He even managed to go the entire conversation without mocking the size of my head (yes, we still behave like 10 year olds when we get together).

When sis-in-law joined us, we started to prepare for an imprompu braai / barbeque. I made accompanying macaroni and cheese while she prepared a yummy potato salad. They stayed until about 21:30, by which time the smaller ones were pretty exhausted.

After seeing them off, we hopped into the car to accompany Mo to fetch Shakeel. As expected, Shakeel was miserable when he got into the car. Mo had already received the usual call from his friend to request our permission for Shakeel to sleep over. As usual our response was that we do not allow our kids to sleep out. When he got into the car Shakeel begged and pleaded to be dropped off this morning again, but since we have plans, we refused. The poor child sat up until past eleven doing Mathematics and Natural Science studying and has been doing the same since 08:00 this morning. All in in the hopes of being allowed to spend the rest of the day with his buddies.

So, perhaps we'll drop him off later (after he accompanies us to a family day event). Let's hope his friends haven't all left for home by then.

Time to get ready for a day of socialising (and listening to my son's nagging voice saying, ''When are we leaving? Can we go now?'')

Looking forward to it.

Imitation- the highest form of flattery (so why's no one imitating me!)

I always find it funny that, while many adults would love to be younger than what they are, children cannot wait to grow older.

Shakeel proudly brags that next year he'll be 14 - when he hasn't even reached his 13th birthday this year yet! This really freaks me out, since he informed me that I will be 40 next year! I had to remind him that I'm not even 39 yet - so stop making me feel older than what I am!

I always remind them to savour their youth - and, in particular, their childhood. I want them to appreciate and make the most of every moment while they're experiencing it, so as never to have to look back with regret.

But I suppose it's normal for children to play games in which they emulate grown-ups. In my childhood games, I always wanted to be the teacher (emulating my parents and school teachers), a detective (thanks to my obsession with Nancy Drew) and a shopkeeper (I have no idea why).

One morning I saw Nuha (7) holding her tiny chalkboard (15 - 20 cm wide) on her left palm, while punching at it with the fore-finger of her right hand. Was she trying to kill ants which had crawled onto her board? What on earth was she doing? Her dad, with a smile on his face, then informed me that she was working on her Galaxy Tab. The smile, no doubt, was because she was emulating him.

I caught her at it again this morning before school

I thought it was cute, but embarrassingly, I couldn't help but wonder why she was not wanting to be more like her mommy. Why was she not copying me? I hadn't seen her pretending to cook or changing her teddy bears' nappies in quite a while. I'd never seen her yelling, "Do your homework or you'll never see a TV again!" at her dolls. What was wrong with what I do? Am I not cool enough?

But I decided to stop being such a baby and to be supportive of her new favourite activity instead. So I went up to her, saying,

"Wow! You look busy".

She nodded without looking up.

"Are you typing out a document for work? Or are you doing schoolwork?" I asked, stepping into her world of make-believe.

"No, I'm blogging," she replied without looking up.

I beamed with happiness.

From princess to Cape Flats gangsta

Despite having grown up in a previously 'coloured' area during apartheid, I cannot claim to have lived in a really rough neighbourhood. Since I didn't get out much either (as all my friends were encouraged to play at my house), I really had a pretty sheltered life.


As a result, I based my life views and opinions (which were often so inaccurate) on the very limited exposure I had to the outside world.


For example:
One of my first memories of my family's interaction with a white person was when a burly stern white policeman ordered us off from a 'whites only' beach.
Thus, to me, as a child 'white people = scary people'


I remember seeing big boys with no top front teeth when we'd drive past the shop corner. My parents, who were both teachers at the two high schools in our area, would chat about who the notorious children at their respective schools were. Co-incidentally, all four of these kids had no top front teeth. In addition, one day the adult with whom I was walking in the Main Road, crossed the road to avoid some toothless youths who were interfering with passers-by.
So in my child's mind 'no front teeth = intimidating, non-law-abiding youths and gangsterism'


I have since learned that the 'the passion gap' is not necessarily only popular with Cape Flats gangsters, but with some ordinary 'coloured' folk too. According to this interesting article, one of the reasons for its popularity is based on a sexual myth (which I prefer not to get into, so to learn more about this, you'll have to read the aforementioned article) - and the other is fashion. 

Image taken from above-mentioned article

So now, based on my early ingrained (albeit misguided) beliefs, imagine my alarm when Nuha (7), my precious princess, smiled at me after just having lost her second top incisor. I had to resist the urge to hand over my purse.


My princess has gone from this

    ...very sweet and  unthreatening                                                         


To...

                                                                     

Her older siblings, whose opinions and views on life have not been spoiled by stereotypes, think she looks really cool - like a little vampire. They absolutely love it!


Nuha, herself, is very pleased with her new look. Until recently, she'd been the only one in her class who had still not lost her teeth. She was very pleased to finally be fitting in with her mates, who are all at this age, sporting the toothless look. So a day after she lost her second tooth, I saw her looking in the rear-view mirror in the car.


"What are you thinking, my baby?" I asked worriedly, ready to reassure her that I would not let any Cape Flats gang try to recruit her.


"I'm thinking that I look pretty," she said smiling, shyly.


What a relief, I thought. Now please don't hurt me.