So it appears that 2013 is not my year - or is it?

We find ourselves in the latter half of 2013 and I've not done anything I'd planned to do this year.

I knew that 2013 was going to be a big year for us. Shakeel (14) was starting high school and Aisha (3) was going to creche for the first time.

I was supposed to use my newfound freedom (from Aisha) to embark upon the journey I'd been fantasising about for some time now by doing a course in magazine journalism. In addition, I'd hoped to be running a small sideline business because, let's face it, at age 40, it's unlikely that I'll ever end up making my millions as a freelance magazine journalist.

But none of this has come to pass. Instead of freeing up my energy and time as my eldest and youngest took these huge steps away from me toward independence, I found them needing me more. Shakeel had a very bumpy start to high school - I only feel comfortable sharing this now, since things have improved considerably since then. He was extremely unhappy and, I'd even go as far as to say - depressed. He was not making new friends easily and his friends from his primary school were moving on happily without looking back (or in his direction). I coaxed and comforted, preached and prayed (both for him and with him). I felt helpless - my child who had been so confident as a senior at his previous school was completely lost and alone while all the other Grade 8s seemed to be adjusting effortlessly. I felt helpless - I wished there was something I could have done to make the adjustment easier.

Everyone said that he'd be fine. "It takes time; he'll be okay. Don't worry so much," I was told. But I did worry. A lot. Because I was watching my darling son relive my entry into high school. All those awful emotions came flooding back to me and I wanted nothing more than to shield him from them. I felt guilty - if I hadn't been such an introvert, if I had taken him among people more often, if he hadn't witnessed my steadily-worsening social phobia, he'd be different. He might have grown up to be as easy going, spontaneous and socially well-adjusted as the other kids his age were.

But, as it turns out, everyone was right. Things got better - although the process was slow and painful. He now has friends and seems to have adjusted to the school. I just wish that the confidence that he feigns, he actually feels. But Alhamdulillah, I am just so grateful for the progress he's made thus far.

My other main focus this year has been Aisha's adjustment to school life. Again, I only feel comfortable writing about this since enough time has passed. Up until the beginning of this year she was extremely attached to me (as I was to her). She had breastfed for months past what would be considered socially acceptable and even when she stopped, she clung to me day and night. I knew that our mutual clinginess was unhealthy, but I so enjoyed being close to her. I pushed the idea of her attending creche to the back of my mind until the day it happened.

On her first morning, she reacted as we'd expected. As did I - I burst into tears in her classroom and then Mo drove me to Sea Point where we sat overlooking the ocean while I sobbed uncontrollably for another 40 minutes. These traumatic (and dramatic) partings continued for the whole of the first term and then, when she finally stopped crying in the mornings, the school holidays began. As expected, once the new term started, we were back at square 1. (Don't worry, by this time, she was the only one crying - it's not as if Mo and the teacher were having to pull crying mother and daughter apart every morning).

And she remained teary in the mornings - up until the beginning of this week when, after giving Mo and me our ritual greeting (three kisses and three hugs each) she smiled and waved goodbye. Alhamdulillah. I pray that this continues and is not just a short-lived respite from our agonising morning drama.

So, as I was saying - I had planned to focus on my own personal development this year. Instead, I spent so much more time focused on my family's needs. The funny thing however, is that I don't feel frustrated by this. For the first time I am actually enjoying doing exactly what I'm doing right now, which is being there for my family while they need me (as they seem to be needing me more this year). I don't expect that this will be the case for too long - as these challenges too shall pass. Last night I sat reflecting upon this year and I realised that I have grown/developed somewhat - I am coming to realise that these day to day challenges are temporary (which brings to mind the verse, " "Verily, with hardship there is relief" (Qur'an 94:6) ) , and I should stop viewing every obstacle as an insurmountable challenge. I'm learning to keep these day-to-day challenges in perspective by looking back at 'problems' we dealt with a few months ago and how these did not signal the end of the world - instead here we are, still facing life's curve balls and still (with the help of the Almighty) knocking them out of the park one by one Alhamdulillah.

Again, I digress. I was talking about the fact that I've not accomplished what I'd set out to do this year. Mo pointed out that I have never been able to achieve inner peace and contentment when it came to 'what I should be doing with my life'. For years I felt that I should be doing my articles because I'd done my law degree. Then when I eventually moved past that, I was never contented in my jobs - I always thought there was something else I should be doing.

But funnily enough, for the first time I have not been feeling that restlessness and discontent for a while now. I think that this is because I realise what a huge difference my role as a stay-at-home mom is making to the kids right now. They really need me this year and Alhamdulillah, by the grace of the Almighty, I am able to be here for them. I know that this will change, as life is ever-changing and won't always be as tumultuous as it has been for the past few months. Maybe then I will focus on the plans I had for myself at the beginning of this year. But for now, I think I am exactly where I should be.

Grade 8 Natural Science project (in case you were wondering)

One happy unicorn

Despite the fact that Aisha (3) is my fourth child, I am so out of my depth when it comes to parenting her. 

She is delightful, funny, witty and so clever. I am amazed at the well-reasoned arguments of which she is capable. Well, amazed and sometimes irritated - because she is the only one of my kids, who at the age of 3, won't simply accept anything I say if she finds it to be illogical. She'll argue and argue until she proves her point.

She is also capable of wit and irony that has us completely dumbfounded. Her funny little sayings often have us in stitches, which then have her older siblings showering her with hugs and kisses.

But she is also the most stubborn and challenging of my kids (with Nuha, 8, coming in a close second). Even the most routine tasks present an uphill battle - dressing, eating, getting into the car - she challenges me at every turn.

She'll only wear very specific clothing items (she won't wear anything she considers to be boyish); she is fussy about what she eats and argues incessantly when I try to buckle her into the car seat. She hates wearing anything with long sleeves and refuses to be covered with a blanket even in the coldest weather. 

Even on Sunday, when Cape Town was covered in hail resembling a blanket of snow, I had to struggle to get her to wear something over her short sleeved T-shirt before we went out.

Cape Town on Sunday : Image obtained here

Cape Town (Sea Point) on Sunday: Image obtained here

And then there's her hair. A while back she wouldn't tie her hair at all. Then, a few months later, she would only have a ponytail positioned exactly halfway down the back of her head the way Nuha wore hers. So when she wanted her hair tied, she'd issue the order saying, "Mommy, will you please tie my hair up and down like Nuha's?" - 'up and down' referred to the place she wanted it positioned at the back of her head- not too high, not too low, squarely in the middle. But since she issued this order so often (as she has her hair tied and retied a few times a day), the order became, "Mommywillyoupleasetiemyhairupanddownlikenuha's" or she'd simply, from sheer laziness,  reduce it to random words in the request, like "mommypleasetieupdownnuha".

But, it is her latest hairstyle preference which presents a bit of a challenge. She has decided that she wants to be a unicorn, so her ponytail or plait has to be placed right in front of her head to resemble an unicorn's horn. 

This morning she wore it to school like this for the first time, attracting curious and amused glances from other parents and teachers alike. 

Yaayyy, long sleeves!!!!!!!

But I am happy - she went to school merrily with absolutely no tears or tantrums. Also, she allowed me to dress her in long sleeves without any arguments at all. So, I'm having a good day, Alhamdulillah. She can don her quirky hairstyle everyday if she would just always be as cooperative and happy as she was this morning. 

A very kind blog reader offers her valuable input - the Erik Erikson's Eight Stages of Development

Last week I did a post on how concerned I was about the fact that Aisha (3) was taking so long to adjust to school life. I really was at a loss as to how I was meant to deal with this issue and was becoming quite depressed as a result. I wondered if her behaviour was normal or if I should, in fact, be worried about the fact that there might be a bigger problem causing her behaviour.

A very kind and unselfish reader responded by sharing her knowledge on parenting, which is based both on her own experience, as well as her training.

YH is the mom of 3 little girls spaced 20 and 21 months apart - respectively ( 9,7,5 years old).

She was trained in child development while studying Nursing at UCT. This is where she was exposed to the Erik Erikson stages of development, which she has found to be incredibly useful in parenting her own children. “I use it as a guideline, especially when I am desperate and very challenged with parenting situations. I would refer back to my child's age and then compare against the developmental phase she is experiencing.”

She goes on to say that this model allows her to understand the possible reasons for her children’s behaviour and often provides ways in which she can deal with it. It also provides her with some sort of context or a yardstick by which to measure her children’s development.

She attached a very informative lengthy piece of information on the Erik Erikson stages of development which includes the stages of sexual development (which, although not relevant to my situation with Aisha, was very informative and I have therefore included it below as well). Since I have ABSOLUTELY NO KNOWLEDGE of the topic, I have just copied and pasted her entire document unedited.

"ERIK ERIKSON STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT

This page presents an overview of the developmental tasks involved in the social and emotional development of children and teenagers which continues into adulthood. The presentation is based on the Eight Stages of Development developed by psychiatrist, Erik Erikson in 1956.

According to Erikson, the socialization process consists of eight phases – the “eight stages of man.” His eight stages of man were formulated, not through experimental work, but through wide – ranging experience in psychotherapy, including extensive experience with children and adolescents from low – as well as upper – and middle – social classes. Each stage is regarded by Erikson as a “psychosocial crisis,” which arises and demands resolution before the next stage can be satisfactorily negotiated. These stages are conceived in an almost architectural sense: satisfactory learning and resolution of each crisis is necessary if the child is to manage the next and subsequent ones satisfactorily, just as the foundation of a house is essential to the first floor, which in turn must be structurally sound to support and the second story, and so on.

Erikson’s Eight Stages of Development

1. Learning Basic Trust Versus Basic Mistrust (Hope)

Chronologically, this is the period of infancy through the first one or two years of life. The child, well – handled, nurtured, and loved, develops trust and security and a basic optimism. Badly handled, he becomes insecure and mistrustful.

2. Learning Autonomy Versus Shame (Will)

The second psychosocial crisis, Erikson believes, occurs during early childhood, probably between about 18 months or 2 years and 3½ to 4 years of age. The “well – parented” child emerges from this stage sure of himself, elated with his new found control, and proud rather than ashamed. Autonomy is not, however, entirely synonymous with assured self – possession, initiative, and independence but, at least for children in the early part of this psychosocial crisis, includes stormy self – will, tantrums, stubbornness, and negativism. For example, one sees may 2 year olds resolutely folding their arms to prevent their mothers from holding their hands as they cross the street. Also, the sound of “NO” rings through the house or the grocery store.

3. Learning Initiative Versus Guilt (Purpose)

Erikson believes that this third psychosocial crisis occurs during what he calls the “play age,” or the later preschool years (from about 3½ to, in the United States culture, entry into formal school). During it, the healthily developing child learns: (1) to imagine, to broaden his skills through active play of all sorts, including fantasy (2) to cooperate with others (3) to lead as well as to follow. Immobilized by guilt, he is: (1) fearful (2) hangs on the fringes of groups (3) continues to depend unduly on adults and (4) is restricted both in the development of play skills and in imagination.

4. Industry Versus Inferiority (Competence)

Erikson believes that the fourth psychosocial crisis is handled, for better or worse, during what he calls the “school age,” presumably up to and possibly including some of junior high school. Here the child learns to master the more formal skills of life: (1) relating with peers according to rules (2) progressing from free play to play that may be elaborately structured by rules and may demand formal teamwork, such as baseball and (3) mastering social studies, reading, arithmetic. Homework is a necessity, and the need for self-discipline increases yearly. The child who, because of his successive and successful resolutions of earlier psychosocial crisis, is trusting, autonomous, and full of initiative will learn easily enough to be industrious. However, the mistrusting child will doubt the future. The shame – and guilt-filled child will experience defeat and inferiority.

5. Learning Identity Versus Identity Diffusion (Fidelity)

During the fifth psychosocial crisis (adolescence, from about 13 or 14 to about 20) the child, now an adolescent, learns how to answer satisfactorily and happily the question of “Who am I?” But even the best – adjusted of adolescents experiences some role identity diffusion: most boys and probably most girls experiment with minor delinquency; rebellion flourishes; self – doubts flood the youngster, and so on.

Erikson believes that during successful early adolescence, mature time perspective is developed; the young person acquires self-certainty as opposed to self-consciousness and self-doubt. He comes to experiment with different – usually constructive – roles rather than adopting a “negative identity” (such as delinquency). He actually anticipates achievement, and achieves, rather than being “paralyzed” by feelings of inferiority or by an inadequate time perspective. In later adolescence, clear sexual identity – manhood or womanhood – is established. The adolescent seeks leadership (someone to inspire him), and gradually develops a set of ideals (socially congruent and desirable, in the case of the successful adolescent). Erikson believes that, in our culture, adolescence affords a “psychosocial moratorium,” particularly for middle – and upper-class American children. They do not yet have to “play for keeps,” but can experiment, trying various roles, and thus hopefully find the one most suitable for them.

6. Learning Intimacy Versus Isolation (Love)

The successful young adult, for the first time, can experience true intimacy – the sort of intimacy that makes possible good marriage or a genuine and enduring friendship.

7. Learning Generativity Versus Self-Absorption (Care)

In adulthood, the psychosocial crisis demands generativity, both in the sense of marriage and parenthood, and in the sense of working productively and creatively.

8. Integrity Versus Despair (Wisdom)

If the other seven psychosocial crisis have been successfully resolved, the mature adult develops the peak of adjustment; integrity. He trusts, he is independent and dares the new. He works hard, has found a well – defined role in life, and has developed a self-concept with which he is happy. He can be intimate without strain, guilt, regret, or lack of realism; and he is proud of what he creates – his children, his work, or his hobbies. If one or more of the earlier psychosocial crises have not been resolved, he may view himself and his life with disgust and despair.

These eight stages of man, or the psychosocial crises, are plausible and insightful descriptions of how personality develops but at present they are descriptions only. We possess at best rudimentary and tentative knowledge of just what sort of environment will result, for example, in traits of trust versus distrust, or clear personal identity versus diffusion. Helping the child through the various stages and the positive learning that should accompany them is a complex and difficult task, as any worried parent or teacher knows. Search for the best ways of accomplishing this task accounts for much of the research in the field of child development.

Socialization, then is a learning – teaching process that, when successful, results in the human organism’s moving from its infant state of helpless but total egocentricity to its ideal adult state of sensible conformity coupled with independent creativity.

Children and young people constitute more than half of the global population today. Many of them face various challenges of HIV & AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases, gender inequality and discrimination. Currently, the emotional, social and health needs of young people are not being fully met. Young people face increasing pressures regarding sex and sexuality including conflicting messages and norms.

Sex refers to the biological characteristics that define humans as females and males. Sexuality is everything that goes into making you a human being. This includes sex, gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy and reproduction. Sexuality is a central aspect of being human throughout life. It is restricted by laws, moral standard, family and personal values and social norms that are determined by the distribution of power and decision making in society. It is linked to self-esteem, body image, identity, ideas about love, dating, ‘hooking up”, breaking up, pleasure, marriage and ideas of what is right and wrong.

Children express their sexuality differently depending on their cultural background, access to information, social and economic status and their experience of sexual abuse. Each child should be introduced to sex and sexuality at a different age depending on their own physical and psychological development. Evidence has shown that positive or negative first exposure to sex has strong influence on the course of sexual discovery and practice throughout life.

According to Peel Public Health (2007) the different stages of children’s sexual development are:

Birth to age 2

•             Learn about love &trust through loving relationships with parents and their caregivers

•             Explore their bodies, including their genitals

•             May have erections or lubricate vaginally

•             Experience genital pleasure

•             Begin to learn expected behaviours

•             Begin to notice differences between the bodies of boys and girls, children and adults     

         

Ages 3- 5

•             Become very curious about bodies, and the differences between boys and girls

•             May play house, or doctor or other forms of body exploration or “sex play” with friends

•             Learn that they are either male or female

•             Learn about male/female roles by observing others

•             Enjoy learning about and talking about body parts and functions

•             Find adult bathroom activities very interesting

•             May ask questions about pregnancy and birth such as: “Where did I come from?”

•             May learn words relsted to sex and try using them

•             May mimic adult sexual behaviour

•             May begin to masturbate

Ages 6-8

•             Begin to have strong friendships with children of the same sex

•             Be affected by stories they hear in the media(e.g. about AIDS or abuse)

•             Have definite ideas about male and female roles

•             Have a basic sexual orientation and identity

•             Want to be like their peers; for example, boys may feel pressured to choose the type of toys and activities that other boys choose

•             May engage in name – calling and teasing

•             May continue with sex play

•             May begin to masturbate             

Ages 9-12

•             May begin the changes of puberty

•             Become more modest and want privacy

•             Continue to value same sex friendships

•             May experience increased sexual feelings and fantasies

•             Develop crushes on friends, older teens, teachers, rock starts, etc. Romantic feelings may be directed towards the same sex and/or the opposite sex.

•             May take part in sexual exploration with peers

•             May masturbate to orgasm

•             May have to face decisions about sex and drugs

Ages 13 – 18

•             Complete the changes of puberty

•             Place great value on independence

•             Experience increased sexual feelings and desire physical closeness with a partner

•             May face peer pressure to be sexually active whether or not they feel ready

•             May change close friendships in favour of romantic relationships

•             May make choices which lead to pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases

•             May have to face violence in relationships ( Sexual harassment, date rape, etc)

The ways that children experience and express, or choose not to express their sexuality is influenced by their biology, their emotional lives, their family lives, their culture and their own status in that culture, their ethical, religious and spiritual upbringing and experience.

If children are encouraged to explore issues surrounding their sexuality, before they become sexually active whether by choice, coercion or necessity, it better prepares them to meet the challenges that they might face on various aspects of their sexuality. Sexual Reproductive Health and Rights (SRHR) for children are recognised as a necessity for the reduction of STI’s including HIV&AIDS."

Thank you so much to YH for taking the time to share this information. It is deeply appreciated.

Coping with changes in 2013

Skimming through my previous post, the 2012 holidays seem like a lifetime ago. I had prepared further posts (which are now just lying in my Drafts folder), but could not focus. As the end of the school holidays drew closer, my anxiety levels rose. Until I could focus on nothing else.

Sadly I think that my kids picked up on my anxiety and stress - and it affected the way they handled the beginning of the new school year.

On the morning of 15 January I attended Aisha (3)'s Orientation Day for the daycare she was to attend. I was scheduled to attend Shakeel (13)'s high school Orientation programme the afternoon.

At the creche, Aisha spent the morning clinging to me; refusing to interact with anyone else. I told my older kids, who were forced to accompany me to her school, to stay out of her sight as she cried after them each time she saw them.

Later the afternoon Tharaa (11), Nuha (8) and Aisha stayed home with my mum-in-law while I dropped Shakeel off at his Orientation programme. He was nervous, since there were no other boys from his primary school attending his new high school. I tried to calm him down; to convince him that everything was going to be fine, while feeling like a total hypocrite - completely ill-equipped to offer reassurances and comfort while I suppressed my own silent panic.

Since then we've had bad days and not-so-bad days. As is to be expected, Aisha still cries a bit each morning as I hand her over to her teacher. If offered the choice, she still would prefer to remain home with me instead of going to school. But at the end of her school day, she acknowledges that school was fun. And that makes me feel less heartbroken about leaving her there.

Shakeel's time at high school varies from day to day - from being okay on some days to being absolutely awful on others. Every morning I pray that he will adjust easily, that he'll find a good friend or two and that he'll start to appreciate the amazing opportunities with which he is being blessed.

Thankfully Tharaa and Nuha are enjoying school. They are both happy with their new teachers and their old friends. I am so grateful for that.

I, too, am slowly starting to adjust to the uncomfortable changes in my life - to new routines, duties and relationships - while trying to overcome my longing for what was , i.e. my older kids happily at school and spending long days at home with my baby.

But I must look forward. And deal with the sadness, the loneliness and my own feelings of directionlessness and purposelessness.

I will elaborate more in future. Right now it's time to pick up Shakeel from school. I say a fervent prayer that he had a better day today than he did yesterday.