Do you know how bloggers often start off their blog posts by apologising for neglecting their blogs for days/weeks and then offering an excuse which usually includes work, ill health or family obligations. So here goes ...
It's been 4 years since my last blog post, but I've been so busy watching and re-watching Downton Abbey that I just couldn't find a moment.

Truthfully though, I haven't really felt the inclination to write - at first, because I had been going through a tough time when I last posted and I really didn't feel like recording that period of my life.

Blogging had always served a purpose - it helped me process my feelings and thoughts. Often, I'd start a post in a state of emotional turmoil and then gradually, as I wrote, I'd start to make sense of what I was feeling and even find some sort of resolution - a process which, more often than not, filled me with a feeling of calmness and serenity.

Which is what prompted my return to blogging after a ridiculous 4 year hiatus. This morning I found myself emotionally overwhelmed. I had returned from dropping the kids at school and found myself alone at home with only my sadness for companionship. I paced up and down the house, not knowing how to stem the wave of grief threatening to engulf me. Then, quite by chance, I happened upon my old blogging laptop where I sat down to write my sadness away.

"Today is my boy, Shakeel’s last day in school uniform and I’m sad. Really, really sad. Ridiculously so. My kids know how sentimental I am, so we’ve all been anticipating this day for months already – Shakeel viewing it with nervous dread, as today we also attend the valedictory assembly, which promises to be a rather emotional experience for even the most emotionally healthy parent (a category in which I obviously don’t find myself).

He recently watched in horror as I bawled my eyes out to the episode of Modern Family where Luke graduates from high school. He descended into near-despair as he watched me snot-sobbing to the episode of The Middle where Axel graduates and heads off to college. (Yes, I may have a comedy-series addiction, but that’s a problem for another day.)

But I assured him that I’d keep it together today. I would not embarrass him, I promised. But then my recent behavior hasn’t exactly inspired confidence.  On more than one occasion this week, he has caught me sneakily snapping pictures of him from the car outside his school when I dropped him off or picked him up. Let me tell you, I have new respect for the paparazzi. It’s not easy sneaking pictures of a young boy outside a school without looking like a pervert. And his anger was real – reminding me of Justin Bieber’s violent altercations with the paparazzi back in the day. (What? I may be a middle-aged aunty, but I still know stuff.)

Looking back in angrily when I ordered him to stop for a picture after getting out of the car this morning

Being photographed by a stalker in a car as he walked off to school yesterday morning

All 4 of my babies together in uniform for the last time 😢😢😢

So when he told me this morning that he’d forgotten something at home that I’d have to drop off at the school's front office this morning, I did not yell at him for being irresponsible (as I had done on the 40 previous occasions I’d had to do this for him.) He looked confused as I smiled gratefully, as if he’d given me a gift. I was pleased that I’d get to do this for him for the last time. I’d better not forget to take my camera along to capture the moment."

To blog or not to blog -that is the question.

I started this blog about 2 years ago to give expression to my thoughts and feelings and, more importantly, to keep a record of events and special moments in the lives of our kids. I wanted to capture and savour as much as possible about their childhoods because at that time already, I was becoming acutely and painfully aware of how rapidly they were growing up and changing.

In addition, my inability to answer questions like, "Mommy, at what age did I start walking?" (due to my awful memory) prompted me to try to find ways of recording the significant events of their lives - and woe betide me if I'd remember the details of one child and forget those of another. I'd then have to deal with accusations of "This just goes to show - you love So-and-so more than you love me!" No amount of explaining or truth (that their mother is just a sieve brain who never recovers from the compounding effects of the porridge-brain phenomenon from which she suffers with each pregnancy) - no such explanation convinces them that the reason I am unable to remember every little detail about their formative years is anything other than the fact that I just don't love them enough.

Then there is the issue of lost pictures. Oh, thinking about this does cause me pain - especially of the fact that my poor poor Nuha (8) - who finds herself stuck (in age) between two outspoken and demanding older siblings and a tantrum-throwing and, even more demanding baby sister - only has about two baby photos to show of her cute chubby adorable first 2 years. The reason for this is that the older 2 were born at a time before digital cameras became widely used, so all their pictures are carefully stored in albums and picture frames. Then, in 2004, Nuha's birth coincided with our purchase of all sorts of digital technology, allowing us to take hundreds of pictures of our precious little newcomer. But, sadly, thanks to a burglary a few years ago, which saw our laptop and video camera being snatched from our home in broad daylight, all our baby pictures of Nuha were lost. Upon little Aisha (3)'s arrival, we'd learned our lesson (sort of) and we are trying to back up copies of our precious memories.

But I have not been doing too well with uploading our precious memories onto the Google Drive. It is time consuming and tedious, especially due to the sheer volume of the pictures I consider to be important. (I'm the mommy who uploads 8 pictures of her child doing exactly the same thing in almost exactly the same pose for fear of not capturing an important moment in his/her life).

So that's where blogging came in. I was able to capture significant and seemingly insignificant moments using pictures and then providing context to these pictures through the use of words. Going back into my blog archives recently, I was overcome with nostalgia and joy, as I came across events which hold no particular significance whatsoever and about which I would most definitely have forgotten had I not recorded their detail. But despite their insignificance, these events had brought us joy and, therefore, just looking through those posts made me happy.

Shuffling with Maama

Kite making with paper and party streamers

The day our pet bird flew away

Drive out to Paarl

Not forgetting the tantrums

Nor forgetting our other babies

Aisha checking out her new school 

Sibling cuddly time

This reminds me - I should hide my lipstick!

Random morning visit to Mouille Point

Early potty training days (on our Paarl visit)

Girls day out with my two older girls

Another Sunday afternoon at Deer Park

And just another day at Sea Point Park

At Eastern Food Bazaar

Expecting a visit from the Tooth Fairy

Grade 7 (sporting his prefect and library monitor badges) - oh, my heart aches - I can't believe that this was a year ago - he's grown up so much since then.  Boo-hoo!!!

Impromptu midweek after-school visit to Du Kloof  Resort

Chilly Sunday at Hout Bay

Snapping away pics on her toy phone

Looking back on these seemingly insignificant moments made me smile. And cry. But mainly, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the little moments we shared. 

And that is the purpose I want this blog to serve for my kids as well. I want them to look back to the morning we went to Sea Point, which - although  it was a morning like so many others - its memory will bring them so much joy as they are able to reminisce about the special moments they shared and especially about the amazing bond they had (which God-willing, will never be lessened).

But in recent months, I've found blogging to be more difficult. My kids are growing up and, sadly, are becoming more self-conscious in many ways. Shakeel (14) will no longer run around in a park with free abandon - he will first look around to see who is looking. This saddens me, but this where he is in his journey into adolescence and I should respect that. It is for this reason that I am becoming increasingly conscious of what I write - I constantly have to consider how the information I share on my blog will affect not only him, but also his sisters when they reach this stage in their development. Perhaps this is the type of sensitivity I should have been showing them all along. After all, I have been exposing much of their lives - good and bad - for all on the interweb to see.

But where does this leave me - and this blog? I find that having to censor my posts makes writing more difficult for me. Previously my thoughts and feelings would just flow as I typed whatever entered my head (and heart). Now, having to exercise some sort of sifting process, I am finding writing about my family to be more difficult - which is a problem for this blog, since they are its main focus.

But l love blogging. I love the feeling of finishing a post of which I am proud. I love that it makes me look at the world in a different way - especially when I have my camera with me. Ordinary moments are transformed into the extraordinary. I pay attention to little details in my children's lives, which evokes in me feelings of gratitude for every small moment. It prevents days, weeks and months from passing by without the tiny seemingly insignificant moments being acknowledged and appreciated.

So, through writing this post, I've just decided - I shall continue with this blog (while paying heed to how its content affects my kids); the doubts and uncertainties which I felt a few minutes ago have been allayed through me having processed my thoughts and feelings right here in this post - which, once again, reminds me of how important this blog is to me.