To blog or not to blog -that is the question.

I started this blog about 2 years ago to give expression to my thoughts and feelings and, more importantly, to keep a record of events and special moments in the lives of our kids. I wanted to capture and savour as much as possible about their childhoods because at that time already, I was becoming acutely and painfully aware of how rapidly they were growing up and changing.

In addition, my inability to answer questions like, "Mommy, at what age did I start walking?" (due to my awful memory) prompted me to try to find ways of recording the significant events of their lives - and woe betide me if I'd remember the details of one child and forget those of another. I'd then have to deal with accusations of "This just goes to show - you love So-and-so more than you love me!" No amount of explaining or truth (that their mother is just a sieve brain who never recovers from the compounding effects of the porridge-brain phenomenon from which she suffers with each pregnancy) - no such explanation convinces them that the reason I am unable to remember every little detail about their formative years is anything other than the fact that I just don't love them enough.

Then there is the issue of lost pictures. Oh, thinking about this does cause me pain - especially of the fact that my poor poor Nuha (8) - who finds herself stuck (in age) between two outspoken and demanding older siblings and a tantrum-throwing and, even more demanding baby sister - only has about two baby photos to show of her cute chubby adorable first 2 years. The reason for this is that the older 2 were born at a time before digital cameras became widely used, so all their pictures are carefully stored in albums and picture frames. Then, in 2004, Nuha's birth coincided with our purchase of all sorts of digital technology, allowing us to take hundreds of pictures of our precious little newcomer. But, sadly, thanks to a burglary a few years ago, which saw our laptop and video camera being snatched from our home in broad daylight, all our baby pictures of Nuha were lost. Upon little Aisha (3)'s arrival, we'd learned our lesson (sort of) and we are trying to back up copies of our precious memories.

But I have not been doing too well with uploading our precious memories onto the Google Drive. It is time consuming and tedious, especially due to the sheer volume of the pictures I consider to be important. (I'm the mommy who uploads 8 pictures of her child doing exactly the same thing in almost exactly the same pose for fear of not capturing an important moment in his/her life).

So that's where blogging came in. I was able to capture significant and seemingly insignificant moments using pictures and then providing context to these pictures through the use of words. Going back into my blog archives recently, I was overcome with nostalgia and joy, as I came across events which hold no particular significance whatsoever and about which I would most definitely have forgotten had I not recorded their detail. But despite their insignificance, these events had brought us joy and, therefore, just looking through those posts made me happy.

Shuffling with Maama

Kite making with paper and party streamers

The day our pet bird flew away

Drive out to Paarl

Not forgetting the tantrums

Nor forgetting our other babies

Aisha checking out her new school 

Sibling cuddly time

This reminds me - I should hide my lipstick!

Random morning visit to Mouille Point

Early potty training days (on our Paarl visit)

Girls day out with my two older girls

Another Sunday afternoon at Deer Park

And just another day at Sea Point Park

At Eastern Food Bazaar

Expecting a visit from the Tooth Fairy

Grade 7 (sporting his prefect and library monitor badges) - oh, my heart aches - I can't believe that this was a year ago - he's grown up so much since then.  Boo-hoo!!!

Impromptu midweek after-school visit to Du Kloof  Resort

Chilly Sunday at Hout Bay

Snapping away pics on her toy phone

Looking back on these seemingly insignificant moments made me smile. And cry. But mainly, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the little moments we shared. 

And that is the purpose I want this blog to serve for my kids as well. I want them to look back to the morning we went to Sea Point, which - although  it was a morning like so many others - its memory will bring them so much joy as they are able to reminisce about the special moments they shared and especially about the amazing bond they had (which God-willing, will never be lessened).

But in recent months, I've found blogging to be more difficult. My kids are growing up and, sadly, are becoming more self-conscious in many ways. Shakeel (14) will no longer run around in a park with free abandon - he will first look around to see who is looking. This saddens me, but this where he is in his journey into adolescence and I should respect that. It is for this reason that I am becoming increasingly conscious of what I write - I constantly have to consider how the information I share on my blog will affect not only him, but also his sisters when they reach this stage in their development. Perhaps this is the type of sensitivity I should have been showing them all along. After all, I have been exposing much of their lives - good and bad - for all on the interweb to see.

But where does this leave me - and this blog? I find that having to censor my posts makes writing more difficult for me. Previously my thoughts and feelings would just flow as I typed whatever entered my head (and heart). Now, having to exercise some sort of sifting process, I am finding writing about my family to be more difficult - which is a problem for this blog, since they are its main focus.

But l love blogging. I love the feeling of finishing a post of which I am proud. I love that it makes me look at the world in a different way - especially when I have my camera with me. Ordinary moments are transformed into the extraordinary. I pay attention to little details in my children's lives, which evokes in me feelings of gratitude for every small moment. It prevents days, weeks and months from passing by without the tiny seemingly insignificant moments being acknowledged and appreciated.

So, through writing this post, I've just decided - I shall continue with this blog (while paying heed to how its content affects my kids); the doubts and uncertainties which I felt a few minutes ago have been allayed through me having processed my thoughts and feelings right here in this post - which, once again, reminds me of how important this blog is to me.

One year of blogging - ''for what?''

For the past month I've been experiencing what feels like a never-ending bout of PMS.

I swing from being sad to grumpy to agitated and then back to sad. Yes, I've spent much of my time feeling sad.

But it's been the effort of masking my feelings - appearing happy and chatty while feeling like crap - that has been really draining.

　
A month ago, the kids were on school holiday for about a week. During that time we went to Goudini for a few days, they went to the beach with their grandmother and aunt (leaving me with a grumpy Aisha (2), we visited my mum so that they could play with their cousins and they also spent one day playing right here at home with Mo's nieces. That left 2 days of them staying home with nothing to do, poor things.

During that time I often chatted to someone who kept asking me when I'd be taking the kids out to have some fun. Had I taken them to the movies yet? Or to Macdonalds? Or to roam about in Canal Walk? But why? Shame, the poor things had been nowhere fun. But I had a car at home - why was I not using it to provide the kids with entertainment?

I explained that the kids had been occupied almost every day of the holiday. Having fun did not necessarily mean going out and spending money - they actually really enjoyed the time they'd spent playing with their cousins right here at home.

In fact, the holiday had been so busy that I just needed to take an hour or two for myself. I needed them to keep Aisha occupied for just a while so that I could do a blog post.

And then came his sneering question, which devastated me.

''But why? For what?''

I know that the reason for my sadness may not be apparent to most of you, so let me put it in context. Apart from being a wife and mommy, this blog has pretty much given me purpose during the past year. It is what provides me with a sense of accomplishment. Completing a post of which I am proud, leaves me feeling as if I've achieved something.

Now please don't judge me. I know that being a wife and mommy are my primary roles, but you must admit, that both are often thankless. There are no rewards or words of acknowledgment for keeping my family healthy with wholesome meals, or for ensuring that the kids get good results at school. As a mother, I am the behind-the-scenes player - providing the kids with a sound basis to tackle the outside world.

Blogging has changed my outlook on everything. It am constantly looking for beauty and inspiration to share on my blog. And when I do a post with which I am pleased, I go to bed feeling contented. Instead of feeling like I'm having the life sucked out of me by the mindnumbing repetitiveness of my days, blogging has made me feel purposeful. And yes, the feedback I get (on Facebook, by email and occasionally on the blog), from kind readers telling me how much they enjoy reading the blog makes me feel useful for bringing even the tiniest iota of pleasure to others.

I don't have an amazing career - I forfeited that path by choice and have no regrets about my decision to be a stay-at-home mum. Although I do hope to change this in the near future, being a wife, mommy and yes, a blogger are pretty much what defines me at this moment.

So this person's words ''For what?'', although not intended to be hurtful, really hurt me to the core. The fact that something, which had become so important to me and to who I am, was so insignificant and worthless to others, really hurt.

In response I mumbled an embarrassed explanation that I needed to do a post for the Spar supermarket competition in which I had been invited to participate. I had to make my blogging sound purposeful to this person, i.e. as if it would provide some monetary gain (as opposed to just being an means of expression, which at that moment seemed like such a lame and futile way to spend one's time).

This person nodded slowly, saying ''Ohhh,'' as if relieved that the reason for my seemingly worthless pursuit had finally become apparent. I felt embarrassed and stupid and, as the days passed, more and more worthless. If my blog was purposeless, then what contribution did I really have to make to anyone (other than being a wife and mommy).

Mo reminded me that this particular person was very worldly and had very different values to ours. But, alas, even understanding this has not made me feel any better. I started to read the blogs of other women, all of whose opinions and contributions suddenly seemed to have value and substance compared to my silly ramblings.

I started to write many posts, but then froze - unable to complete them. I racked my brain, trying to think of something USEFUL to write; something with purpose, but more importantly, something that will make my contribution valuable. But in the end, it all sounded like worthless rubbish to me.

Then I read this post by talented blogger, Kathryn over at Becoming you. It reminded me of the reason I'd started to blog. The purpose of my ramblings had never been to entertain/obtain the approval of others (despite how lovely it is to hear that people enjoy them). My blog had been started as a way to express myself, providing me with my own little space to formulate thoughts, express feelings and capture lovely (often seemingly insignificant) memories, which would otherwise be lost with the passage of time.

It turned out to be so much more than I'd initially imagined it would - I'd sit down at my computer feeling frustrated/sad and then, through the process of putting my thoughts and feelings in writing, I would often, by the end of a post, feel a million times better. Very often I made sense of my emotions as I was writing the post, which made blogging the therepeutic activity I'd needed.

So I didn't end up writing the deep profound piece I'd been planning for my first Blogversary on 20 October. And I've been struggling to write much of anything since the September holidays. This is the first post that I've written since then, during which I hadn't had to delete or backspace a million times - second-guessing everything I typed. Once again, the process of writing has helped me to understand and make sense of my emotions / insanity.

So, no, blogging does not bring in money. Nor am I providing life-saving valuable information to the world. But it has an important purpose in my life. It makes me happy (and less grumpy), which in turn allows me to be a better wife and mother. That, in itself, makes it extremely valuable, doesn't it?

　

　

Thanks for writing {Blog award from bloggers}

 

Every now and then bloggers take it upon themselves to acknowledge and show appreciation to their fellow bloggers. And, believe it or not, the sweet, down to earth and totally relatable mommy blogger over at Thecolouredfulwife has been so kind as to share the love with yours truly.

So this is how this works: I now have to tell readers 7 things about myself that they don't already know. So here goes:

1) I have been a HUGE Michael Jackson fan since the early '80s. When he came to SA, I was chosen from a group of screaming fans to meet him. I remember every word of our conversation.

2) My ideal day would be spent in bed watching comedies and eating chocolate 

3) I have secret fantasies about saving the world - not necessarily wearing a cape and a mask (although that too would be cool) - but more along the lines of combatting world hunger or negotiating peace in the Middle East.

4) I secretly fantasise about a career in magazine journalism when I grow up

5) When I was little, I wanted to be a detective like Nancy Drew.

6) I have 2 brothers who are younger than me, but who tower above me, making me look like a dwarf

7) I am addicted to the comedy series F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I've lost count of how many times I watched all ten series. It provides me with raucous belly laughs no matter what my mood.

And now it's my turn to spread the love by nominating 5-10 blogs I admire. Some of the blogs I've chosen are hugely popular and have already been nominated numerous times, but I just want to add my voice to those of their other adoring fans:

So here they are (in no particular order):

Jou ma se blog

Spiritedmama1

The fat diaries

Diaries of a white mother raising a black baby

Raising men

Thanks again to Thecolouredfulwife. You rock!

It's like living in a cave!

Since just after the birth of my two-year old, spending time on the internet has pretty much been the salvation of this stay-at-home mum. It is my primary (and preferred) method of keeping in touch with other people.

Embarrassingly, I have become quite hooked on keeping abreast of the statuses of my facebook friends (Don't judge! You don't live with my two-year old tantrum queen, the stress of which forces me to resort to escapism in other people's lives). Which is also the reason I enjoy reading blogs - to escape, to learn, to laugh, to find people with whom I can relate, but mainly to be inspired.

And then, of course, there's updating my own blog, which I really enjoy doing.

Recently, however, my Cell C data bundle was depleted and we felt that we'd try a more affordable alternative. So after looking around, Mo opted for the 8ta bundle - which was a brilliant option. Unless you live in our house.

We have discovered that we are now able to get internet reception from ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET except from within our house. I take my laptop onto the porch and am able to receive lightning-speed internet, but the moment I step back inside it disconnects. It is so frustrating!

Yesterday morning, in a moment of desperation, I went out into the front garden and sat crouching upon the wet grass - to check Facebook. I also took my laptop along when I fetched the kids from school, to access Facebook and my favourite blogs while waiting for them in the car.

This morning I even considered taking Aisha (2) along with me while I checked the internet in the comfort of the car - in the driveway. But fortunately sanity prevailed and my poor baby was saved from having to brave the cold for the sake of her mother's crazy addiction.

But I do miss updating my blog regularly. I find myself standing in the shower (where many of my blog posts are formulated), and giggle at potential blog ideas - which, sadly, will never see the light of day. Because by the time I manage to connect to the internet to post them, they would either have been forgotten or their moment of relevance would have passed.

We experienced the same problem when we changed our telephone service provider to Neotel (I once lost connection 6 times within a twenty minute conversation - which necessitated me calling back each time). We are able to get reception on our portable Neotel phone from the houses of family members, but not from our own house. But that does not really bother me, as I am not really a telephone person. I prefer chatting by email or gtalk. (Yes, I know how bad that sounds).

So despite having had the problem with our phone reception as well, it is only now that I cannot access the internet from this house, that I have considered moving. To a house with 3 bedrooms, a fully-fitted kitchen, spacious grounds - and, most importantly, internet access.

No more procrastinating...my first post

I set up this blog a few weeks ago, but have been postponing entering my first post- partly because I wanted to wait until I had something interesting to say, and partly because I was just too exhausted after my long day of cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, feeding, dealing with tantrums and playing psychologist, referee, tutor etc to my four kids, etc etc etc.


I realised that I would not wait until I had something interesting to say because that is not what this blog is about. I want to use the blog to record my memories; capture moments of our daily family lives. While blogging about nappy rash and sibling rivalry might not seem interesting or particularly exciting to me right now, aren't the little moments and seemingly insignificant family banter what its all about? These little moments are exactly what I shall hang onto, yearn for and try to recapture once my children are older and move on to various stages of their own lives- toward independence.


So instead of looking upon all my daily family interactions and occurences as mundane, I shall use this blog to capture, appreciate and savour them.