Then and now

For most people, taking a trip down memory lane - by looking at photos or videos - is a happy experience. I think those people are probably what one would call 'emotionally healthy' - a category into which I definitely do not fall. Instead of the cute laughing pictures of my kids evoking feelings of joy, they cause me excruciating feelings of longing, sadness and nostalgia for times past and moments lost - never to be regained.

So I avoid looking at pictures and videos. I also avoided looking at my blog during my 4 year blogging break, as this blog holds so many dear dear memories of my children - at ages and in phases which have long past. 

How I long for my 12 year old Shakeel, who danced with his sisters in the most uninhibited way - not caring about how he appeared to anyone. Present-day Shakeel, at the age of 18 is so much more reserved and what saddens me so is the fact that his relationship with his sisters has been so distant for the past few years. He remains a really wonderful, level-headed boy who has so much integrity, so I should really be grateful and not nitpick by focusing on the small issues, especially since I am told that it is entirely normal for a young, bearded and gruff-voiced man to be less inclined to dance around outside in his underwear as Shakeel did when he was little. Oh, how I miss my little exhibitionist!

My carefree boy way back then:

My boy now...  

So reserved on his matric ball evening

Heading to the Valedictory Assembly

Tharaa (16) has retained so many of the same traits she had as a little girl. She has just become the

new and improved version of her younger self - imagine a Tharaa 2.0., if you will. Her artistic skills have improved in leaps and bounds which is really good news for me, since I no longer have to 'ooh' and 'aah' at blobs and scratches on a page as I had to do when she was little. Instead the beauty of her drawings now take my breath away. More importantly though, she has become a really sensible young lady. She is very often the one who gives me advice when she sees me looking flustered (which is so much of the time).

An energetic and dramatic Tharaa back then :

A dramatic and energetic Tharaa now...

Nuha (12) however, is the one who surprised me the most. In the last few years, she has started a new school where she has just flourished into an amazing child whom I hardly recognise. In the past, she was always in the background; always in the shadow of the others. As I flipped through my past blog posts I realise how far she's come - pursuing and developing her own interests. She has become the most independent and driven child, which leads me to believe that this child carries very few of my genes.

Nuha back then... 

Nuha now...

Aisha(8)'s dramatic change in personality is unsurprising, I suppose, given that she was a mere toddler when I blogged regularly way back when (from 2011-2013). Her regular tantrums have now given way to witty and humorous banter, which has us in stitches much of the time. But how I miss my little 3-years-old-but-still-breastfeeding, tantrum-throwing baby who terrified me with these tantrums at times, but then at other times, smothered me with cuddles and hugs as she nestled her tiny little body in my big flabby one.

A sometimes-lovable, sometimes-scary Aisha back then...

Aisha going through a phase in which she insisted upon her unicorn hairstyle

A more compassionate and much more sane Aisha now...

Aisha with a lovebird which she hand-reared 

Aisha smothering poor Savannah with the love she used to give me

I often walk in on my kids as they are flipping through family photos and videos and they have become used to the very audible agonised groan from their mother as she happens to glance upon memories of them as they once were. Fortunately though, my kids are finally at a stage in which they will not let my irrational despair go unchecked, as Shakeel will often remind me to remain in the moment and to appreciate them as they are now - because, in a few years time, I will be looking upon images of them as they are today with the same longing. The sad thing, however, will be that I did not appreciate them at this time, as I had been to busy longing for what was instead of appreciating what is. 

I should perhaps try to heed his wise words.

Then...

2012

And now...

2017