Living anxiously

''The bow too tensely strung is easily broken''  ( Publius Syrus )


I remember my morning walks to school from Harfield station - repetitively muttering very specific prayers and supplications in a very specific order (selected by me based on the last time I'd said those prayers in that order - and had a really really good day at school). A really really good school day was a day no teacher drew attention to me by making me answer a question. Or worse, if that horrifying situation did present itself, that I might not know the correct answer / might answer the question incorrectly.

I was the loon who kept her eyes focused on her lucky colour (green) and did everything with her right hand - just two of my silly superstitious practices, which I'd hoped would ensure my protection from unpleasantness at school. I had no clue that my religion forbids superstitious practises - in any event, at the time, I did not see it as superstition. To me it was a tried and tested method to ensure that I'd get through the day - painlessly. They were concrete steps providing the illusion of control over the terrifying paralysing anxiety from which I've suffered since I can remember.

Now this is probably the point at which you might be expecting me to launch into an inspirational story of how I overcame my anxiety, or perhaps a more practical ''how to'' guide, providing useful tips as to how I successfully dealt with this problem.

Sadly, I am not able to do so - I still have knots in my stomach each time I have to go out in groups of people. In fact, this even extends to family gatherings now - in the past these gatherings had been a safe place - a comfort zone.

I panic when the phone rings, as I have no idea what uncomfortable situation might be waiting for me on the other side.

I get knots in my stomach before I drive - I still resort to the old 'say selected prayers in a specific order' routine. I'm still afraid that failure to do so will result in something bad happening on the road - and then very often it does. Most likely as a result of the Law of Attraction - obsessively focusing on the occurence of such unpleasant event, often causes something negative to materialise. [ A negative event could be someone hooting at me, or even a dirty look from another driver/ pedestrian].

I admire / envy calm people. I admire people who couldn't give a damn about what others think of them. To me, someone's negative opinion of me is sufficient to ensure a series of sleepless, restless nights.

Someone told me that there is medication to deal with anxiety. But I'm a bit mule-headed about that - I don't want to rely on medication to feel normal. I just want to be like other people - able to function and interact without almost falling apart.

Strangely, I was always able to cope well with work pressure. I even thrived on it. It's 'people pressure' that I cannot handle.

Although anxious by nature, I tend to have bouts of increased anxiety now and then. These are usually triggered by an extremely stressful / negative event, the trauma and effects of which permeate throughout my being for a while thereafter. Two weeks ago a huge truck swerved into my lane without indicating. I narrowly escaped being hit. Aisha (2) was in the car with me. I have been re-living the moment since then, tormenting myself with the various horrifying scenarios that could have played out. I've been losing sleep and suffering from nightmares when I do manage to sleep. Getting into the car now has me anxious - driving a few blocks to drop the kids at madrassah has me shaking like a leaf. I feel so out of control.

This event has resulted in heightened anxiety in every aspect of my life. I am just not coping well with even the most basic demands in my life. The girls' formal assessments and Shakeel (13)'s examination, which are at present the main focus areas of our household, have become overwhelming for me. Meeting people (even unthreatening family members) has me feeling anxious - a rude remark made by a family member last week - which normally would have upset me slightly, now has me feeling overly hurt.

I find that going to gym helps tremendously. It calms me and takes me to my happy place. But, unfortunately, it's effects are short-lived. I need my regular fix in order to maintain my feel-good state of mind. But, getting to gym regularly would require me to get into my car and navigate a very tricky interchange - bounding with potentially unpleasant experiences (and huge trucks) and, hence, more anxiety. Notice my catch 22?

I focus on everything for which I am grateful. I try to stay in the moment - attempting not to worry about unpleasant past events nor to anticipate future problems. I remind myself to trust in the Almighty, as the solution to all my woes rests with Him. And that my constant worrying is of no use, neither as a solution to existing problems, nor as a means to avert future obstacles.

And perhaps I'll get some Rescue Remedy, which I'm told, works wonders for anxiety and hypersensivity.

''Every faculty and virtue I possess can be used as an instrument with which to worry myself ''. (Mark Rutherford quotes )

Transforming into a people person? Unlikely (but it's a start)

For some reason this socio-phobe has been feeling uncharacteristically lonely and in need of company (outside of my immediate family) for the past few days.

I can't explain it. Maybe it's the feeling of celebration and joy prevalent this time of the year. Spending too much time on Facebook, where people are expressing the joy being derived from togetherness with family and friends, has definitely played a role.

I've also been feeling rather nostalgic- longing for the good old days when I actually enjoyed being out and about among people.

I think Mo hit the nail on the head when he identified part of the problem as being a longing for a simpler more carefree time. A time when my biggest concern was meeting curfew for fear of being grounded by my dad- and even that had been strangely exhilarating.

The fact that my older three kids have been spending a few days with my mom has left me with fewer things on which to focus. Even clingy Aisha has been strangely independent of me for the past few days, preferring the company of that freakin' annoying purple dinosaur. The relentless sound of Barney tunes seems to keep the child hypnotised, though she occasionally leans down to offer her stuffed toy Barney 'a great big hug and a kiss'  as per the theme song.

So here I am sitting, feeling ridiculously sombre. Ridiculous, because I know that as soon as someone should invite us to spend a day with them, I will most likely wish they hadn't, and will once again prefer to spend time in my own company (and that of my immediate family).

Having written the above earlier today, I am quite surprised by the fact that we have been asked to accompany some people for a day out- and I'm really excited! Could this be the beginning of me turning into a normal well-adjusted sociable individual? For my husband's and kids' sakes, I hope so.

How fear and tea led me to my happy place

Way back in my youth, the gym was one of the few places in which I did not feel socially awkward. My social phobia (self-diagnosed) has worsened since I stopped working and have become increasingly isolated from the outside world.

I would love to return to gym, but it just is not possible at the moment. I have been thinking about running or even brisk walking as a form of exercise. But since it entailed leaving the house by myself, I have invented every excuse in the book to delay it- until Monday morning, that is.

Anna, the domestic worker who comes in once a week, usually enjoys a cup of tea upon arrival. This morning cuppa, downgrades her general demeanour from extremely
grumpy to just plain grumpy. So imagine my horror when Monday rolled around and I realised that we had run out of tea.

Despite the fact that it was chilly and windy outside, I preferred to brave the elements rather than face the wrath of Anna. So I bundled a confused Aisha into her pram, and set off for the supermarket three blocks away. As the icy wind hit  our faces, Aisha shrieked with delight. Walking outside down the road with Mommy- this was a first.

I sped to and from the supermarket in no time, bringing the lifesaving tea in the nick of time. Operation 'Saving Sulky Anna' had been a success.

But the more enduring consequence of this outing had been an invigorating and blood-pumping workout, which had left me feeling uncharacteristically happy. I did, however, feel sleepy for the rest of the day. Exercise tends to do that to me. I am always amazed at my brother, who enjoys a vigorous workout every morning at 7 am before going to work feeling rejuvenated.

But the positive effects of my light exercise had been enough for me to do it again the following day. This time I walked around our block, then the next one and the next one, then after that around the perimeter of the three blocks. I increased the distance a bit each day.

If any observer in our area should happen to behold a lean, superfit mommy, with a ripped body in designer sportsgear, pushing a baby in a state-of-the-art three wheel jogging stroller, you can almost be certain that that mommy is..yep, my opposite neighbour Sarah.

But, not to brag, I am sure that I appear just as remarkable as Sarah does- definitely not a sight to be overlooked or easily forgotten. Huffing and puffing and panting, with my one hand on my rickety pram and the other holding up my oversized tracksuit pants, which is constantly threatening to drop to my knees, I can be seen looking rather politically incorrect with my orange, white and blue hijab flapping violently in the wind, looking much like the Old South African flag.

I walk briskly so as to keep my heart rate up and when I am absolutely sure that no one is looking, I start running with the pram. Until I spot someone looking, in which case I reduce my speed to a casual stroll, faking an air of bored nonchalance, which continues until the coast is once again clear, when I break into another crazy dash. I'm sure poor Aisha wishes she had the vocabulary to tell me how embarrassed she is.

This light exercise has already had a positive impact on me physically, in that my energy levels have increased tremendously. My improved mood can apparently be attributed to the fact that one's brain releases endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine when one exercises.

So, in the end, I am very glad that I had been forced out of the house on Monday morning. Thank goodness my Anna-phobia was greater than my social phobia.